It’s been quite a journey over the last couple of years.
At times, I’ve wanted to give up. Abandon the fight. But deep down, I knew the fight would be worth it.
Jesus has been taking me back. I’ve been re-visiting old memories. Memories that I had long forgotten until the Spirit gently and lovingly brought them back to the surface. I had buried them. Like hidden treasure that lay deep below the ocean bed.
But Jesus tells us in Isaiah 61 that He has come to ‘bind up the broken hearted and set the captives free’. I am broken hearted. Indeed we all are. There are many places in my heart that are very young, and it’s those places that Jesus is visiting to bring healing and restoration to. His desire is for me to live life from a position of whole heartedness.
I was fifteen. I remember clearly like it was yesterday. I went into my parent’s bedroom and my father was lying sobbing on the bed. My father never cried. Ever. His face was buried in the pillows, and when he sensed my presence in the room, he turned and looked at me and said the words that would end up having a major impact on the rest of my life (up until now).
“I’m disappointed in you.”
Unknown to me at the time, I took those words, made an agreement with them and have allowed them to cause doubt and insecurity in my life for the past 20 years.
I knew deep down my father didn’t really think I was a disappointment. I have a great father who I know loves me. But in the moment, I allowed the enemy to sneak in and I agreed with the lie.
I always wondered how Christians were able to talk about God as their ‘daddy’. To me, I knew He was God, and I knew I was His son, but I could never connect with the phrase ‘daddy God’.
It wasn’t until last year when Jesus took me back to this childhood memory that I saw clearly. The words my earthly father had spoken over me, I had projected onto my Heavenly Father. I had lived nearly 20 years with the wound of disappointment and rejection. At some level, I had believed that my Heavenly Father was disappointed in me too.
Once this was brought into the light, Jesus was able to begin repairing that wound.